Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
