Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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