Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
