so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
