Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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