The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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