I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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