Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
