i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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