She is in my trunk
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
