She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
