I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
