hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
