You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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