I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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