Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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