I wish I could teleport
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
