Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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