I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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