from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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