I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
