My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
