I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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