the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
