Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
