Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
