I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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