I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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