at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
