Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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