If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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