from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
