1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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