I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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