I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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