You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
