Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize