Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
