these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
