we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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