He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
