Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
