Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
