I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
