did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
