I just threw up on my dentist
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
