I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
