You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
