he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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