I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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