when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
