I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sorry about my life...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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