Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize