toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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