Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize