I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
