In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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