just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
