Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
3 2 1 whiskey
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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