My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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