I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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