is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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