I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
