true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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