Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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