So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
