the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize