I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
