Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
