My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
