Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
